Oops

I spill a lot. All the time and everywhere. It’s not endearing. You know how in the movies, they always make the woman do something clumsy (there’ll be time for a soapbox about this later) and laugh with her whole heart, while there’s a handsome man with a chiseled jaw looking fondly at her and falling in love? Not real. I’ve done clumsy things my whole life and boys usually just point and laugh with their whole heart. Even the ones with the chiseled jaws.

I got a salad the other day for lunch and I was really excited about it. I usually get soup and an avocado chickpea sandwich but went for a salad that fateful Wednesday. I got wild rice, spinach, veggies, tortilla chip strips and chipotle vinaigrette. YUM. Unlike a Chopt or a Sweetgreen or a pre-COVID cafeteria, my office cafeteria does not mix the salad up with the dressing – unfortunate because it means I have to mix it myself. I sat at my desk, exciting to devour this gorgeous salad and all that dressing but first, I needed to mix it all up. I hold the plastic box together and shake with all I’ve got . Within seconds I was covered in dressing and wild rice.

I wish that was the only time I spilt food on myself in the office. I don’t actually keep count because of how frequently it has happened. There was one time I picked up soup from the cafeteria – black bean soup. He was big and chunky like that hippo in Madagascar 2 that was all about body positivity? Moto Moto was it? Ok now his theme song is stuck in my head. (“I like ’em big. I like ’em chunky”). Anyway. I spill the soup all over my desk. It was all messy and even in between all the keys in the keyboard. I had to walk aaalll the way to the bathroom (15 steps in total) to get more napkins. How embarrassing..I cleaned it all up, washed the gloop off my sleeves and sat back down at my desk to do the job I’m being paid for. Within 17.2 seconds, I spilt the other half of the cup of soup on my desk. What’s exciting is that no one saw me! How wild. I wonder if there are CCTV cameras in the office. I wish I had a contact in security who could send us a highlight reel of all the spills. I had a date that night and it was around 2 PM when the black bean soup vibrations reached him in Brooklyn and he asked to push the date to another day. I brought up the soup spill and I remember him throwing the word ‘cute’ around..guess it is endearing? ugh.

Recently, a spill at work set off a debate on etiquette. I spilt coffee on a white shirt. Clearly worse has happened so I was not even slightly fazed by this. However, I had to go to my dad’s friend’s house to pick up some stuff for him which meant more people were going to see me with the coffee stain. So now, I’m clearly ok with my co-workers seeing me be sloppy which is potentially a questionable decision. I’m also ok with close friends seeing me with food all over me. But where do I draw the line? How close a friend do they have to be? Does the closeness extend to my parents’ friends? If they’re my parents’ best friends, do they also have to be mine? I sent this picture to my mom to get her to weigh in and she said, “Please go change.”

As you think about how I still have a job, let me tell you about my most dramatic spill yet. It was circa four years ago when I still lived in Boston. I’ve always been a big lemon tart aficionado and this was the first time I was going to bake it myself. I’d gone to the store and bought exactly how much of everything I needed. I’d never made a custard before so didn’t fully understand the physics of a double boiler. In all fairness, someone above the age of 15, should have known what I didn’t know. The top bowl sat snugly on my bottom bowl creating pressure. The contraption finally exploded spilling hot custard everywhere. There was custard on the stove, on the floor, on the ceiling and on me. Mind you, this is hot custard so i was burnt all over. My roommate had to drive me to CVS and we bought a huge bottle of aloe vera that I still have with me. It took several months to shed the horrid burn marks.

The only question you probably have now is what about the lemon tart? Don’t worry, I went back to the store, bought the ingredients finally made my lemon tart. It was divine. Perseverance is key my friends. No amount of spills (or burns) will stop me.